Why suicide ? How to escape suicide ?

My dear friends,

I was once think of attempting suicide .  The most common purpose for attempting suicide for me was a disease from which i have been suffering from my childhood. I'm still suffering from it and still till the end of life.

CAUSES :-

Part -1: (Fun becomes Sad slowly)

Basically i feel shy for everything. If i want to say no to my family decisions i cant.

So here is the cause for my attempt. I have been suffering from deaf since childhood.

I enjoyed playing video games a lot with my school friends. The console i used was an 8-bit video game console. I used to play games like  "mario", "streetfighter"  , "Adventure Island" .....etc.,

I had so many friends to share my feelings, angriness , happiness and sadness. I was very bold, frank,

When i was listening to a teacher in a class, i just observe his lip moments and understand some words. It was very hard for me to answer the questions raised  by the teacher when the class was over.

At the age of 10 years , I just pray to God. Give me some hearing capability to my ears. So that my ear drums can catch what others saying.

At the age of 11 years, I just told my parents it is very hard for me to listen what others saying even in class rooms also. So they took me to an Ear Nose Throat (ENT) hospital . There the doctor had taken a test of  Audiometry(this test is used to check the hearing capacity of both ears).

And the result of the report was my left ear has a hearing percentage of 60% and my right ear has a hearing percentage of 45%. So the doctor said i had a holes in my ear drums and this is the reason why i was unable to listen others. I was just shocked. And the doctor told my parents, this kid had a hearing problem and this kid was unable to pronounce some words in the language correctly so a surgery needed( basically endoscopy which is used for filling the holes in the ear drums). My parents just asked one question the doctor, what would be hearing ability of the kid after surgery(endoscopy).The  doctor said unknown. so my parents regretted.

Part -II:(Drug addicted)

Now at the age of 20 years, it was very very hard for me to listen to what others saying.

My holes in the eardrum had become some more larger. I had consulted the same doctor who i met at the age of 10 years. He used to give me some steroids and antibiotic drugs. So because of these drugs i can resist my body to some extent and my ear drums started working some better way. I had  taken the drugs for a period of 5-6 years. Later i realized the side effects . Consuming antibiotics frequently has led me to gastric problems. I had food digestion problems. And also i hear that "excess usage of steroids may lead to diabetics"

Slowly some inferiority complex developed in my heart. I started getting panic to others especially when they started whispering slowly(because i cant hear). I scared of my college lecturers also why because i don't know clearly what question they raised to me to tell the solution.

Now this panickiness become 50% stronger in my heart. OK . I had an interview for a software company at that time. There also my heart was squeezed . Why ? The members in the interview panel are asking questions . But my ear drums unable to catch the frequency of members voice. I just walked away without saying anything. Now panickiness become 70% stronger.

I was living in a village. So But the sweet thing i had here was "love" . So when i was doing my graduation i just fell in love with my classmate. That was a very beautiful nice love story.

Part -III:(Teenage Love)

When i was doing my graduation in computer science, i fell in love with a girl. She lured me with her beautiful eyes. Basically i live  in a village. And to do graduation course i had to travel a distance of 70 kilometres from my home village to the city college by train.

She was my first-love. So how i fell in love? The train from my village usually starts at 5:30am in the early morning. And it will reach the destination at 7:00am .

Ragging was so common at that time in my college. At first, i didn't know the girl at all. One fine morning, I was trying to tease the girl with my friends by acting as senior student . But i was shocked when i came to know that the girl whom i was about to tease belong to same class, same section, same bench and same village.

So the next day morning, i met the girl in second class train. And i inquired her about her past studies and  her residence. She was so attractive. The train which i used to travel to my college is called as College-Train. So more than 100 students travel in that train.

And here i found a competition in getting my girl's love. I overcome all these in train except one thing. There was a college lecturer(used to teach JAVA) name is Santhi Raju. This fellow fell in love with my girl. This lecturer used to give my girl 100 out of 100 marks to whatever test he conducts in the class room.

Santhi Raju was a fat . One day he came to my lover residence and asked her parents about marrying the girl. They simply rejected the marriage proposal( of marrying a fat professor). I heard this by the word of mouth. And i got the mobile phone of Santhi raju somehow and traced my lover cell phone number. At that time people are using NOKIA 1100 black and white cellular mobile phones.

So i got my lover mobile number. And i called her. And started to make her to fall in love with my talkative power over mobile phone. I don't know how but even i was some deaf, i was able to hear to cellular phone voice at that time.

So we used to talk over the phone more than 2 hours a day. yes i got her love. I made her to fall in love with me. I was so happy.  And this stopped my suicide attempts to some extent. But one thing still annoys me at that time. When i faced the girl face to face in my college, god, again and again, it was very hard to me to listen to what my dear loved one talking. I was panicked by her talking. What i did when she was talking to me was  just nodding my head.

I just googled at that time how a partially deaf people interacts with others. what i found was , peoples who found partially deaf , they sometimes behave like crazy. Means they act as they heard 100%  of words what others saying even though they can not. This was a crazy feeling developed in me.

I was afraid of this feeling towards my dear loved one.The pain in my heart moved to eyes in the form of tears tears and more tears. So i started to avoid her bit by bit.

But it was Love.It was more painful. The more i avoid her , the closer she was to my heart. One day , while i was leaving my college when classes are over, the climate changed all at once and it was raining heavily. My loved one with her friends and  I were quickly soaked and got freezing. I know teenage girls mind changes towards boys when it was heavily raining and freezing. That feeling developed strongly both in her and me at that time. She had given me the chance to get over her. But one thing stopped me at that time. I knew it was the first chance and last chance to me. But i didn't want to spoil. I just left. I hurt her.

She simply broke with me. She searched for another one. I broke with her thinking of her mind-set.

I had one saying  in my mind at that time that is,

"Any man can get any woman that they want if they know what to do"

Part - IV:(Found a friend who is struggling for life)

OK, Somehow i completed my graduation in computer science. And i got a job , a java programming trainer  .  Even at that time also ,  i went to hospital and used to take steroids and antibiotics.

One day evening, while i was at hospital, i found my old school friend(he was friend to me at the age of 12).His name was  "Sandeep". He asked me why  were you using steroids to your body? I didn't tell him the reason.

And he started to tell his story,

 Sandeep's story:-
   

"I am Paturi Sandeep the son of the late Sudhakar Rao from Duggirala.

My father died in August 2007 leaving behind my mother, who lost her mind after his death, my elder sister, Samyuktha ,who is both physically and mentally retarded, my younger sister who is 16years old, had to leave school because she has to look after my elder sister. I am the only son and had the opportunity to pursue higher studies. I was a 4th year Polytechnic student at the CR Reddy College, Eluru.

In January 2009, I became very sick. I was diagnosed with “Aplastic Anemia”. I was living with my big father (my father’s elder brother), when this took place and he had to take me to various hospitals for treatment. Finally we went to Miot hospital in Chennai where they diagnosed me with Aplastic Anemia. The cost of this was over 60,000 Rupees(Rupees is a currency in India), which my big father paid. They further informed us that I needed a bone marrow transplant but this would cost about 12 lakh Rupees, (12, 00, 000).


In the beginning, I was taking two units of blood per month. This increased to 3 with 2 or 3 units of platelet’s per month.


In January 2011, I got critical as my platelet count dropped to 1000. The doctor in JK hospital, Tenali ,was shocked that I had not died. He recommended that I should visit CMC hospital urgently. At CMC hospital, I was given many platelets and blood. Various tests at great cost were conducted on me and it was confirmed that I had "Aplastis Anemia" and that I should have a Bone Marrow Transplant(B.M.T) as soon as possible, at a cost of 15 lakh rupees. Both my sisters had to have their blood tested at CMC hospital but no match was found. My next alternative is an injection which is used for curing the disease, which costs 8 lakh rupees.

I already spent over 3 lakh on my health, some were loans but there were many good kind people like yourself who assisted me financially.

I really thank God for you.

I want to live and I want to take care of my family especially my little sister named "Sarala" who had to suffer much due to my illness and also in taking care of my elder sister.


Therefore, I humbly request or beg of you that you please remember me and help in whichever way you can. Besides the Big 8 lakh rupees amount , i spend 3000 rupees per week that I need for my weekly treatment."

This was sandeep's story. When i first i heard the story i hated myself . Because i had seen at that time how well sandeep was fighting for money not only for his illness but also to feed his family members.

I decided to spend my days with  sandeep. We became best friends. I had fulfilled some of sandeep's money needs. Sandeep and I started to enjoy life without taking care of our future.  Every week we used to watch at least two movies in theaters.

He used to tell me one thing always. "Make friends,Help them, Use them for your needs, They will help you when needed". 

So every friend of sandeep had donated him blood and some money. I was afraid of donating blood to him. I did not know why. I might be coward at that time.

The time was going faster. Sandeep's health condition had been getting worse. I was so afraid because i did know if i meet sandeep the next morning . But when i met sandeep in the next morning, my tears , they were flowing like waterfalls. I observed sandeep's face and told him 

    1.Your left eye got some severe scaratches because of the lack of the blood in your body.

    2.Your teeth had become very weak and they were bleeding because of lack of platelates.

    3.Your face, became so much paler.

What he told me was , "Forget all these things. Let's go to our new hollywood movie Iron  man 3".

I did know what to say. We just went to theater. And we had watched and enjoyed so much ,the movie.

In the next morning,  i went to the city which is 300 kilometers far from my village on a job purpose.

I got a phone call from sandeep. He told that,

 "I am unable to eat food and butter. And it is very hard for me to have some fruit juice. My both kidneys spoiled. I am without food for more than 10-days. Time has come to say good bye my dear friend!"

The next morning i packed my luggage and started moving to my village. I got an SMS to my mobile. The content of SMS was, "Sandeep is no more!At first, he went to Coma, later blood started bleeding from his both ears. He died last mid night. "

So i lost my friend. A friend who inspired me how to struggle in life for your needs, a friend who stopped me from doing bad things to spoil my life , a friend who inspired  me to change the attitude towards life, is no more.

Rivers of tears gushed from my eyes. 

The next day i had a dream. In that dream sandeep came and told  me " I'm with you. leave fear . let's go to a movie " and i asked him in the dream , " Sandeep i thought you were dead , but now you are in front of me" what he told me was,"there is nothing wrong with me, i just have a low platelet count , tomorrow i'm going to have platelets from blood bank".

I woke up , and found that it was a dream. On that day i found a website , where peoples like my sandeep have been struggling for life , @  http://www.teammargot.com/

So i stopped thinking about suicidal thoughts. I started helping peoples by knowing their family status and by knowing their income status !!!.

I realized “Life is God’s gift to man. What we do with it is our gift to God”. i realized i had something to give and something to take from others.

I look back to those days and those moments and the transformation that occurred in my life—a complete change of vision, of possibility, of opportunity.

Lastly, You have two creators: first, our Father in Heaven, and then yourself. It’s what we make of ourselves that will really make a difference to us. In my observation the greatest quest of human endeavor is not to outperform other people but to overcome our own self-imposed limitations.